by E. Fenton

When I attended an S.O. meeting, I found that it helped immensely to speak to other women who were experiencing some of the same difficulties, fears, and frustrations I was. Although few solutions were offered, it felt good to engage in the age-old sport of complaining about men, albeit with a different twist (e.g., "I hate it when he uses my makeup"). If nothing else, it was comforting to find out I wasn't the only one experiencing certain problems.

I asked veteran support-group activist Ginny Knuth to list the topics came up most frequently in support groups for S.O.'s of cross-dressers. These issues are listed below, along with some of my own solutions for handling them. I realize that every couple is different: a coping strategy that works for me might be completely inappropriate for someone else; an issue that I see as a serious problem might be trivial to other women; and, conversely, a topic that I gloss over--or even omit--might be a burning issue for other couples. I don't claim to be the Dear Abby of the transgendered community; I'm just trying to do whatever I can to help the S.O. cope with the puzzling persona of her other half's other self.

If you're the cross-dresser half of a couple, perhaps the following list will help you gain an insight or two into some of the issues your partner is dealing with (A word to the wise: many women, for one reason or another, are very stoic about their emotional suffering; she may be in more pain than you realize). If you're the partner of a cross-dresser, maybe you'll relate to some of these questions and complaints. If any of these ring a bell, perhaps this article can stimulate some discussion between partners.

1. I don't understand why he does this. Am I not "feminine" enough for him?

This question nagged at me when I first found out about my husband's cross-dressing proclivities. I've been a tomboy from the get-go; my idea of dressing up is to wear my polished cowboy boots rather than my manure-encrusted ones. I thought perhaps I'd failed in the femininity department and my husband had felt compelled to make up for it in his own bizarre way. Fortunately, my therapist set me straight. She told me that no one fully understands why men cross-dress, but that it is not in any way their partner's fault--cross-dressing men are not trying to compensate for a lack of femininity in their household. Female partners of cross-dressers run the gamut from ultra-feminine, Laura-Ashley-clad women to cigar-chompin', blue-jeans-wearing tough gals. There is no correlation between a woman's perceived position on the femininity scale and her partner's desire to dress as a woman.

2. His cross-dressing activities take up time that used to be/could be spent with me. I'm lonely.

I was feeling decidedly left out as my husband went to countless meetings, conventions, and various social events that I didn't care to attend. I have to hand it to him, though. He came up with an ingenious solution: he bought me a horse. I've wanted to own a horse ever since I was a kid, and finally I had a hobby/obsession that I could immerse myself in as much as he was immersing himself in his new lifestyle. Obviously, I can't prescribe horses for every neglected spouse or spouse equivalent. But perhaps you can act on some long-submerged dream that you've wanted to pursue, be it a hobby, a career, or a project. Don't just sit around and feel lonesome when he goes out with the girls: pursue your own interests and you'll feel a lot better.

Of course, parallel obsessions isn't a very good recipe for a happy relationship. Couples need to do things together, too, or what's the point of being a couple? After mulling it over for some time, we came up with a project we both enjoy: building a garden railroad in our backyard (he lays the track, I do the landscaping). Perhaps you can come up with a fun project you can work on together. If not, make sure you schedule time for activities as a couple, even if it's something as simple as going out to dinner and a movie. It helps.

If you're feeling lonely and neglected, tell him. My husband, especially in the first few months of his cross-dressing spree, was having such a good time that he didn't even realize how miserable and alone I felt. After a few gentle (and not-so-gentle) reminders that I liked to do things with him, he made a point of spending more time with me.

3. I miss the presence of men. I'm sick of hearing him giggle on the phone with his "girlfriends."

I don't know about you, fellow genetic girls, but part of the reason I got married was to have a man around the house. As much as I malign men when I'm with my girlfriends, I like many aspects of the masculine sex. I find that men provide a nice counterpoint to the feminine world; yin and yang and all that. Once my husband "came out," however, he became very involved in the transgendered community; he made new friends and helped out with numerous projects. Not only did I have to watch him prancing around the house in lovely frocks, I had to listen to his hour-long phone chats--business and social--with his gal pals. (Whether he's dressed up or not, he undergoes a metamorphosis when he talks on the phone to his transgendered friends. His voice goes a few notes higher, he giggles coyly, and tends to talk about girlish topics such as What to Wear. It drives me nuts.)

Here are some of the ways I deal with cross-dressing overload:

* I see that he closes the door to his office when he's on the phone, and I move to another part of the house, if necessary, to avoid listening to his half of the phone conversations.

* I speak up when I'm absolutely not in the mood for any thought, word, or deed that smacks of cross-dressing. Sometimes I need a break--especially in my own house--and my husband is considerate enough to put away his clothes, makeup, newsletters, and other T.V. trappings when I need some time off.

* He lets me know in advance if he plans to invite his transgendered friends over to the house, so I can plan other activities if I'm not transgender-friendly that day.

* He recently got a post-office box, which should cut down on the number of Lane Bryant catalogs and other home-delivered reminders of his habits.

4. I'm scared. I don't know where this is heading, and he's not able to tell me. Is he bisexual? Gay? Transsexual? Something else?

This is a tough issue for many couples, especially in the early "blow-out" stage, soon after the man admits he's a cross-dresser. Often, he himself has no idea where his cross-dressing will lead. Many men suppress or deny their cross-dressing urges for years, so when they do finally allow themselves to partake of this activity, they're inundated with new feelings and emotions. From observing my husband during his early cross-dressing days, I know that he was just as confused as I was about the whole phenomenon. Here's how we dealt with it.

* We read books and articles on the subject. These calmed many of my fears, pointing out that the majority of cross-dressers are heterosexual men who for some reason derive pleasure from wearing women's clothing. Your mate is not likely to undergo a radical change of sexual orientation.

* We saw a therapist who specializes in cross-dressers and people with gender-identity issues. (If you see a therapist, it's important to find one who has experience with this phenomenon, such as those who advertise in transgender organization newsletters.) We saw her as a couple and individually, and she skillfully steered us into talking about issues we had both found uncomfortable discussing at home.

* I attended a significant-others meeting. As mentioned earlier, it can be very helpful to talk to women who are going through the same turmoil you are.

* I went to a cross-dressers' support group. If you feel you can handle it, attend a meeting or support group for cross-dressers. I've been attending the monthly "rap sessions" of the Rainbow Gender Association for two years, and I've found that meeting my husband's friends and hearing them discuss their lives has proved quite valuable in helping me understand cross-dressing. It takes a lot of nerve--especially at first--to go to one of these meetings, but I found most of the people there to be kind and gentle souls who are simply struggling to find out who they are.

5. I'm embarrassed. What will the neighbors think?

I still haven't resolved this issue, so I'm in no position to offer advice. Perhaps another S.O. could write to this newsletter and give me some advice. I'd really prefer that the neighbors didn't know about my husband's alter ego--but I suppose they do if they've got eyes in their heads. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but that doesn't mean I'm not.

Meanwhile, I've asked my husband to try and exercise a little subtlety, such as not wearing lipstick and earrings when he drives out of the garage.

6. What if my family finds out?

The strain of having one's parents visit for a week is bad enough without having to worry about mom finding a size 15 high heel under the couch. So far, when my folks have come to visit, the place has been sanitized for their protection. I'm sure they'll find out one of these days, but right now I'm not ready to tell them. My parents are fairly conservative, so I'm not sure they'd be up to the challenge of a son-in-law in a skirt. Besides, why do they need to know?

It's up to my husband whether he wants to tell his parents about himself. I've lobbied against it, because I fear it might simply hurt and puzzle them, rather than doing anything positive for family relations. Maybe I'm wrong. You're the best judge of your particular family situation.

7. I worry when he goes out. Who is he with? What is he doing? I fear for his safety.

Safety, if you ask me, is a legitimate concern. I'm not sure that most men realize how vigilant women must be when they're out by themselves or with a group of female friends. Attacks on women--or facsimiles thereof--do happen, and many S.O.'s worry about their partner's well-being when he goes out. We also worry about gay-bashing, since your average drunken-yahoo-with-a-baseball-bat type no doubt thinks any man in drag is a queer, and therefore fair game.

I've talked to my husband about this, and he has assured me that he never walks anywhere in the city alone at night. He carries a whistle and has a phone in his car in case of emergencies. I still worry, but I'm convinced he is aware that there are many unsavory characters out there.

Since he knows I worry when he's out late, we've made an arrangement whereby he tells me what time he expects to be home, and calls me if he's running late. This won't work for everyone (some people don't appreciate calls from drag bars at 2 a.m.), but if you're worried about him you should discuss the matter with him and see what you can come up with to allay some of your fears.

8. Our sex life has suffered. Sorry, but I'm not a lesbian.

Well, I don't want to go into the gory details here, but I understand this is a common complaint. Although this topic is sometimes brought up in support groups, many women are reluctant to talk about it.

Talk to your partner about your feelings, and let him know if any aspect of his behavior or appearance makes you uncomfortable. Many men are so thrilled with their newfound "other self" that they forget to take their partner's feelings into account. To compound the problem, some cross-dressers are convinced that their female persona invests them with added sensitivity and insight into the female mind. Perhaps they consider themselves more sensitive lovers when endowed with feminine attributes. Maybe some are, but if I'd wanted a lesbian lover, I would have hooked up with a lesbian (at least she wouldn't have chest-hair stubble!)

In addition to talking to your partner, I'd suggest seeing a therapist if you think it might help (as mentioned earlier, be sure to see someone who specializes in gender issues).

In summary, my advice to any suffering S.O.'s out there would be to talk to somebody about your problems, whether it's a therapist, a relative or close friend, or women in a support group. Most importantly, talk to your partner if any of these issues --or others--are bothering you. He can't help you if he doesn't know you're hurting.