TransSex: Finding A Lover


Finding a lover is a common problem for transgender people. It can be due to the loss of a long-term relationship, a shift of sexual orientation, or a consequence of finally accepting yourself. The search can be daunting, particularly later in life. It is a problem that I have been personally working on for several years, and I have a few insights to share.

The most important thing to bear in mind is that learning how to find a lover and conducting the search is a long-term project. Expect it to take at least a year, if not longer. There is no magic place to go or thing to say. Rather it is a journey of many steps and more than a few stumbles.

Lover finding and love making is a learning process. It is important that you learn from mistakes rather than feel defeated by them.

A good place to begin is with a makeover. You'll want to improve your appearance, your wardrobe, and your intellect. Clean up your house and car and try to deal with any stressful conditions in your life that can weigh upon your mood.

Next think about whom you are seeking. Generally this will be someone who is roughly in the same socioeconomic class as you, is the same age-range, and has the same quality of physical appearance as you. While it is possible to have relationships "out of class", too much of a stretch will fail sooner or later.

Your chances of finding a lover are greatly enhanced if you participate in activities that involve members of the target population. Join a support group, a church, a volunteer organization, a political party, take a class in an interesting subject -- anything that gets you out into the world and interacting with others. Your goal is to build a social network of friends and acquaintances. One early TGForum article recommends bisexual woman's support groups.

Going to a nightclub or using personal ads works better for people who are already socially skilled and can handle rejection. A major drawback with these venues is that it is hard to start and carry on a conversation. If you are just starting to build confidence, the indirect approach of participating in groups with a nonsexual purpose works much better.

Sooner or later you'll meet somebody would like to know better. Ask them to meet you in a public place like a coffee shop for the first date. If it seems to be go well, then follow up with a more traditional dating venue like dinner or a show. Most lovers don't begin intimacy until the third time out, and if nothing happens by the sixth time out, nothing will.

Often, your worst problem will be projecting desperation -- which is the enemy of intimacy. This is one reason I encourage participation in "non-mating" social contexts.

Another setback can be rejection. Most active people experience this no matter how much confidence they have. Try to learn from when it happens to you, and be thoughtful when you must do it to someone else.

When intimacy begins, the learning intensifies. Each new person is very different -- you must discover what they like and dislike and the amount of sensations they enjoy. Try to think of it is a learning experience rather than a performance. You will make some mistakes and generally sex gets better with familiarity so keep your sense of humor!

There are several good books out on mate finding:

How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You - Leil Lowndes, Contemporary Books, Chicago, 1995. This book is special because it is written for either gender - and thus covers our gender pretty well too.

The Art of Meeting Women - A Guide for Gay Women. Rhona Sacks, Slope Books, Brooklyn, NY 1998. This book focuses on helping a shy lesbian woman find confidence and love in the queer context.

Next month we will investigate the changes in sexual desire and appetite that happen to transgender people.